Saturday, 23 January 2010

This is for you

This is for you.  In the beginning I wrote this blog for me.  And after a short while I wrote it for me and the lovely people that read it.  But now, this last post, is for you.

This post is to say sorry.  This post is to tell you that you were missed and loved when I wrote all of this.  There is a line in a White Stripes song which goes "you think that not saying is the same as not lying, don't you?"  Well we both know its not. I was lying by not telling our story from before the start of this blog. And for that I am sorry.

If I can ask anything of you, which without a doubt I have no right to, I would like you to believe that what I felt for you was real. All of the love and warmth and laughter and care that I gave you was real.  I loved the way we laughed together.  I loved the way you relished my food.  I loved the ways in which you cared for me.  I loved all the stupid conversations and the serious ones.  I loved our doomed attempts to watch a film together.  I loved riding pillion behind you even when we ran out of petrol.  I loved the evenings at the pub and the barbeques in your garden.  I loved how you loved that crappy old car (forgive me for calling the car crappy).  I loved the fact that you could fix stuff and explain to me how stuff worked.  I loved your dedication to your child and I loved how you took my own children to your heart.  I loved it all.  I loved you.  You are always in my heart.

And yet I lied and cheated on you.  Its feeble to say but I never wanted to hurt you.  Of course that is exactly what I did and what I was always going to do by the course of action I took.  And for that I am deeply sorry.

In Wuthering Heights Cathy says of Heathcliffe "He is more myself than I am".  I always used to shiver when I read that.  In your case you are more the person that I was and that I would like to be again than I am.  You are kind and truthful and moral and decent.  I can only promise that I will learn and grow from this.

This is for you.  It is a present you cannot give back.  Please take it.  Look after yourself my Racer Boy.  Try to have little belief in our past even as you deal with the pain of it.

37 comments:

  1. Beautiful, well-written and quite heart wrenching.

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  2. 以簡單的行為愉悅他人的心靈,勝過千人低頭禱告........................................

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  3. kisses and hughs, seaside girl...
    chiara

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  4. good~ keep sharing with us, please....I will waiting your up date everyday!! Have a nice day........................................

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  5. 人必須心懷希望,才會活的快樂,日子才過得充實,有意義,有朝氣,有信心。........................................

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  6. 認清問題就等於已經解決了一半的問題。.............................................

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  7. Beauty, unaccompanied by virtue, is as a flower without perfume..............................................

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  8. 人不能像動物一樣活著,而應該追求知識和美德..................................................

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  9. 天下沒有走不通的路,沒有克服不了的困難,沒有打不敗的敵人。..................................................

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  10. 錢,給你帶來歡愉的日子,但不給你帶來和平與幸福..............................

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  11. 欣賞是一種美德~回應是最大的支持^^.................................................................                           

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  12. 您的blog蠻不錯的耶,祝你快樂哦!期待您的更新!.................................................................                           

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  13. 當一個人內心能容納兩樣相互衝突的東西,這個人便開始變得有價值了。............................................................

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  14. 向著星球長驅直進的人,反比踟躕在峽路上的人,更容易達到目的。............................................................

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  15. 當一個人內心能容納兩樣相互衝突的東西,這個人便開始變得有價值了。............................................................

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  16. 這麼用心的經營你的文章, 當然值得我們留連拜訪的!............................................................

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  17. 真正仁慈的人,會忘記他們做過的善行,他們全心投入現在的工作,過去的事已被遺忘。..................................................

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