Today I read this:
" Strength doesn't mean being able to stand up to anything, but being able to crawl on your belly a long, long time before you can stand up again."
And it did that thing that happens when you read something with personal resonance, when that chord in your brain starts to quiver. The Prince of Darkness left for the first time a little under three years ago. And when he left I crawled for a long long time. The resonance of that statement for me is that when you are crawling I now realise that just getting through the day takes real strength. To get the kids to school, to turn up to work and confine the tears to the toilet, to put food on the table, read bedtime stories, to cry, ever so quietly, so that you don't wake the children and then to get up in the morning and do the same all over again.
Whats more: I'm ok. I've lived through this before but it was worse back then. In a week I feel like I've travelled the same distance I came in six months last time. I know that there will be ups and downs but its really going to be ok. This weekend I've laughed with my kids and sat in the sun and played with the puppy. And I've thought about what I've lost but much more about what I gained.
This is the quote that had resonance last time he left:
"When one door closes another opens; its just that sometimes its hell waiting in the hallway."
And then the hallway was hell. But now I realise that the hallway is an alright place to be; just a bit of down time till a new door opens.
P.S. julochka has suggested that the Prince of Darkness should be downgraded and this idea has thoroughly amused me all weekend. Suggested titles for the new Duke/Earl/Count gratefully received...