Thursday, 9 July 2009


Its been a rather trying couple of weeks. [Editors note: that is the infamous British stiff upper lip speaking] Not to put too fine a point on it I have been immersed in a sea of pain.

Physical..... turns out when the osteopath said serious injury she really meant it. I got into work once and looked so awful I got sent home again which was gratifying as I felt awful too. Plus I had to type kneeling in front of the desk because I couldn't sit down. Haven't been to work since. Have been drugged up to the eyeballs, talking absolute nonsense when awake (my vocabulary has leaked out of my brain) and sleeping for most of the rest of the day. I half heard the girls saying at the weekend "look mummy is asleep .....AGAIN" Have roused myself occasionally to go to get the back seen to and eldest has now become expert at making sandwiches for dinner for all of us. We have used up all the dubious tins of food lurking in the back of the cupboard. In fact I have become a bit of a celebratory at youngest's school. I have strange children pointing at me and saying "there is the lady with with bad back mum" as I hobble pitifully to the school gate looking for all the world as if I was a cross between a woman who had peed her pants and a distant ancestor of the homo sapien who is not entirely able to walk upright.

Emotional.... and just as I start to come off the drugs and walk a little more like a human being the Prince of Darkness delivers his verdict following Ultimatum Friday. Seems he is leaving me for another again. I am sure that he would argue with that statement but essentially that is the case. It has just floored me. For all the heartbreak he put me through, and if I must be fair I put him through, I thought we might just have a future. I've cried those unglamorous loud snotty without control sobs. I've screamed at him. I've thought about telling the girlfriend the truth about him. I've taken off the jewellery he bought me and thrown it around the house [Editors note: there is a ring behind the tv and a watch on the roof terrace]

Now I just wait. For my back and my heart to heal. I know that one day I will be able to pick things up from the floor. And one day he won't be my first thought in the morning and last thought in the evening. I will try to remember its all for the best. I am going to learn some exercises to strengthen my back but which will also apparently make my stomach flater. Really the Prince of Darkness is just a sad middle-aged man who won't confront his problems and has difficulty distinguishing the truth from a lie. He may well be the Prince of Darkness but he is not the Prince of my dreams. I really am better off without him.

I have done all this before. I know some days that I will feel like I am drowning in the pain again. But just for now I am surfacing for a while and that means that one day I will swim with the current again.


  1. Had no idea all this was going on.
    Lots of strength and happiness and thinking about you, and you know whatever is normal to say in this situation... You know what I really am saying and mean.
    Hugs. So many hugs (but not the kinds that hurt your back more...)

  2. I'm so sorry to hear that things are bad right now. I hear chocolate cures anything. I suppose it won't do justice to creating a flatter stomach though. Good vibes your way for a speedy recovery in all aspects.

  3. Aaah Ext you really are quite a pleasant person! How would you know? I've only just felt up to letting it out. Appreciate the non-hurting hugs :-)

    NSGH (acceptable abbreviation?) - chocolate is certainly good and I have a good stock laid in by real life friends. Also crisps. Eldest did make crisp sandwich one night for dinner. who knew they were such a versatile culinery ingredient??

  4. Just be brave and let the time do the healing. Hugs!

  5. Seaside girl, I am glad you are surfacing. Here comes the sun...

  6. Jelica and Ruslan - thank you lovely bloggy friends :-)

  7. Blogland and those of us in it have missed you. Glad to see you're coming back up!

  8. I was worried as you've been away from blogland... Thinking of you, be strong, eat chocolate or crisp sandwiches, drink wine, whatever you have to do to make yourself feel better. Be selfish for a little while. Until you surface completely. And you will.

  9. so um, i love your blog, feel your pain about eh prince of darkness... i have one of those too... sigh.. and i hope the back starts to feel better soon...

  10. I really have no idea what a crisp sandwich is, but I think it might sound good...

    As far as princes of darkness go..remember that your knight in shining armor is just around the corner, but he'll never save you if you're hidden behind mr wrong. Good riddance. Grieve, morn, drink some wine, wake up, feel fabulous about yourself, and know that you are worth more. And love your daughters, they are what counts....even if one of them does make some kind of weird sandwich...

  11. Sara, B, Ashley and RxB - Woke up to your comments with a tear in my eye but also a smile. thanks all. I've realised how much I've missed being here....

    RxB OMG you have never had a crisp sandwich!!! I will consider taking a photo of one and posting it soon.

  12. I had no idea this was going on, I thought you're just suffering from broken back... both back and heart will heal, I know, I've been there before. It takes time, but it happens in the end. Prince of Darkness really is only a middle aged sad man, he must be sad (read: pathetic) to give up on you! Take care.

  13. oh my goodness...i've been thinking about you, but thought perhaps summer had come to where you are too and that you were just spending some time analog. wish i could come and restock your cupboards and then lie around with you, drinking wine and commiserating on the darkness part of the prince of darkness (i think you may have to demote him to duke or count or something--he doesn't deserve prince status).

    sending big, giant hugs your way! hope your back is better soon!


  14. Ouch, broken back and a broken heart...that's a lot to bear :-(

    Wine, chocolate, ice cream, snacks..these things are your friend right now. Tough times ahead and, while you know you are bettter off without him, that doesn't mean to say it's not very hurtful right now. Sob.

    Bless your children for being so helpful. I am very partial to crisp sandwiches myself!

    Hugs, but very non contact ones due to hurty back.


  15. Oh sweetie, i am so sorry. Just remember you will heal, just don't feel like it has to be quick.

  16. I'm experiencing similar things. Here's to sunshine, for you and me :)

    For time heals what reasons can't :)

  17. Polly - thank you my sweet. Both are feeling better today. I know that relapses might be on the horizon but at the end of the day I have lots to be thankful for :-)

    julochka - when I read that I could almost feel you in my kitchen stocking cupboards, pouring drinks and demoting the Prince (an idea which I love by the way!) Thanks for your blog presence!

    Spud - you are a babe. And any girl that is very partial to a crisp sandwich is going to to be ok in person!

    iasa - thanks lovely. I will let nature take its course!

    Azalia - hello! And a hug for you if you are going through the same stuff. Chin up!

  18. don't you just wish you could see where all this was leading. Where the happy point at the end was. For all things come for a reason. Not all pain lasts and sometimes we end up better - in the end. It is just the end that we can't see from where we start! sigh ... I hope the end comes sooner then not- I hope it is better in the end