Unattributed quotes in times of need

Today I read this:

" Strength doesn't mean being able to stand up to anything, but being able to crawl on your belly a long, long time before you can stand up again."

And it did that thing that happens when you read something with personal resonance, when that chord in your brain starts to quiver.  The Prince of Darkness left for the first time a little under three years ago.  And when he left I crawled for a long long time.  The resonance of that statement for me is that when you are crawling I now realise that just getting through the day takes real strength.  To get the kids to school, to turn up to work and confine the tears to the toilet, to put food on the table, read bedtime stories, to cry, ever so quietly, so that you don't wake the children  and then to get up in the morning and do the same all over again. 

Whats more: I'm ok.  I've lived through this before but it was worse back then.  In a week I feel like I've travelled the same distance I came in six months last time.  I know that there will be ups and downs but its really going to be ok.  This weekend I've laughed with my kids and sat in the sun and played with the puppy.  And I've thought about what I've lost but much more about what I gained.   

This is the quote that had resonance last time he left:

"When one door closes another opens; its just that sometimes its hell waiting in the hallway."

And then the hallway was hell.  But now I realise that the hallway is an alright place to be; just a bit of down time till a new door opens.

P.S. julochka has suggested that the Prince of Darkness should be downgraded and this idea has thoroughly amused me all weekend.  Suggested titles for the new Duke/Earl/Count gratefully received...

Surfacing

Its been a rather trying couple of weeks. [Editors note: that is the infamous British stiff upper lip speaking] Not to put too fine a point on it I have been immersed in a sea of pain.

Physical..... turns out when the osteopath said serious injury she really meant it. I got into work once and looked so awful I got sent home again which was gratifying as I felt awful too. Plus I had to type kneeling in front of the desk because I couldn't sit down. Haven't been to work since. Have been drugged up to the eyeballs, talking absolute nonsense when awake (my vocabulary has leaked out of my brain) and sleeping for most of the rest of the day. I half heard the girls saying at the weekend "look mummy is asleep .....AGAIN" Have roused myself occasionally to go to get the back seen to and eldest has now become expert at making sandwiches for dinner for all of us. We have used up all the dubious tins of food lurking in the back of the cupboard. In fact I have become a bit of a celebratory at youngest's school. I have strange children pointing at me and saying "there is the lady with with bad back mum" as I hobble pitifully to the school gate looking for all the world as if I was a cross between a woman who had peed her pants and a distant ancestor of the homo sapien who is not entirely able to walk upright.

Emotional.... and just as I start to come off the drugs and walk a little more like a human being the Prince of Darkness delivers his verdict following Ultimatum Friday. Seems he is leaving me for another again. I am sure that he would argue with that statement but essentially that is the case. It has just floored me. For all the heartbreak he put me through, and if I must be fair I put him through, I thought we might just have a future. I've cried those unglamorous loud snotty without control sobs. I've screamed at him. I've thought about telling the girlfriend the truth about him. I've taken off the jewellery he bought me and thrown it around the house [Editors note: there is a ring behind the tv and a watch on the roof terrace]

Now I just wait. For my back and my heart to heal. I know that one day I will be able to pick things up from the floor. And one day he won't be my first thought in the morning and last thought in the evening. I will try to remember its all for the best. I am going to learn some exercises to strengthen my back but which will also apparently make my stomach flater. Really the Prince of Darkness is just a sad middle-aged man who won't confront his problems and has difficulty distinguishing the truth from a lie. He may well be the Prince of Darkness but he is not the Prince of my dreams. I really am better off without him.

I have done all this before. I know some days that I will feel like I am drowning in the pain again. But just for now I am surfacing for a while and that means that one day I will swim with the current again.

5 (random) favourite things

I was tagged by the mere mortal Molly at ohfortheloveofblog with her 5 random favourite things meme. So here goes:

5 favourite films:

1. Lost in translation
2. Husbands and Wives
3. Now Voyager - I'm a soppy romantic at heart.
4. La Vie en Rose - I sobbed through the sub-titles.
5. Little Miss Sunshine - the weird dysfunctional family feels like home.

5 favourite songs:
This is hard. I tend to like whatever I last heard. So these are favourites because of the associations they have for me...

1. Doorbell - White Stripes (cooking Christmas dinner a few years ago when all the family was together)
2. Money Money Money - Abba (youngest sings "if I found me a healthy man" which seems like a good plan once you reach 40)
3. Got to be a hustler if you want to get on - Sue Wilkinson (early on with Prince of Darkness going through his record - yes I do mean record - collection and playing them all)
4. Common People - Pulp (just because the song is brilliant)
5. Park Life - Blur (lying on a beach in Greece)

5 favourite crushes

1. Lance Armstrong - weird but I have a thing about cyclists.
2. Prince of Darkness - I know I know. Get a life girl.
3. Daniel Craig - yes I so would.
4. Almost any man in a uniform - watch out sailors.
5. George Clooney - boring but true.

5 favourite books

1. Love in a Cold Climate - Nancy Mitford
2. Crossing to Safety - Wallace Stegner
3. Love in the time of Cholera- Gabriel Garcia Marquez
4. Les Liaisons Dangereuses - Choderlos de Laclos
5. The Night before Christmas - Clement C Moore (only to be read on Christmas eve!)
   
   

5 random favourite things

1. my tattoo
2. pointless little notebooks - I buy more than I know what to do with.
3. pinot grigio - you didn't think I would leave it off did you?
4. fish, chips and mushy peas
5. my shelf of random stuff - see below. It looks like crap but it all means something to me.

I am tagging a random 5 of my regular favourite reads:

Iasa at Blissfully Unaware Lounge Singer, RxBambi at A Day in the Life of a Would be Bambi, Jules at Just Jules, The Fragrant Muse and Jelica/Ruslan at Budapest Bits

Ultimatum Friday

I'm not sure that this is going to be a regular feature like, for example, VEG (who has Eco Monday and Wipeout Wednesday) or the Fragrant Muse who has fragrant Friday.

Ultimatum Friday basically consists of telling the Prince of Darkness, otherwise technically and legally known as ones husband, that enough is enough and really there has to be some sort of conclusion to the attempt at a relationship that has been ongoing for the last couple of years. Or put it another way its the girlfriend or me, baby. Time to place your money/cards on the table to mix a metaphor.

The rules of Ultimatum Friday are that the the Prince is allowed a good couple of weeks to ponder the situation. He must either come up with a decision as to what he wants to do or at least a plan as to how he is going to make a decision. Other than that there really aren't any really any rules. There just has to be a decision at the end of the day.

I can't keep my life on hold for ever. I can't keep waiting for a man who doesn't know whether he wants to be with me. Its a thankless soul destroying job. Many times the easiest thing would have been to walk away. But I haven't because in our history he has waited many months for me to make a decision to be with him when I couldn't find the courage.

As I say not a regular feature I think (I hope). But just knowing that something, anything might happen is good. Some news is better than no news. And I am honestly looking forward to it, what ever it is.

Random acts of smiling

I woke up today with a sense of irrational happiness. Looking at the facts today was:

a) a Monday morning
b) that meant that the lovely lovely weekend was over with the lovely lovely friends and the lovely lovely party
c) Monday is a going into work day which means getting on the train and commuting to London
d) And then getting on the tube (for which read fighting your way to overcrowded underground train) to get to the office
e) And at the office a huge (and I mean inches and inches) report awaited to be looked at
f) And its a boring report.

But despite all that I just felt disgustingly, obscenely happy. The sun was shinning (well this morning at least), and although I had to commute on the train it meant I could listen to the ipod, and read the paper and my book. I even thought I might see some deer from the train which always brightens the train journey. Ok I didn't see any deer but the point was I was so optimistic I thought I might.

Even the huge report failed to dampen my spirits. Normally in such circumstances I resort to comfort eating at desk. But today, despite the fact I had taken credit crunch lunch in with me, I exercised self-control and refrained from eating it before 11.30am - something of a record. Lord I felt good.

But I suppose the worst good thing was that I actually started smiling at people on the tube. Ok the first time it was by mistake because I was listening to a particularly funny podcast but it was such fun I just carried on. The range of reactions was so entertaining. From complete "I can't see the mad woman smiling at me and will therefore stare straight through her", to embarrassment, to confused smiles in return. It totally brightened my morning

On days like today I can take on the world. So today I can see myself fighting the local education authority and making sure that youngest has the education she needs; I can see that in his own dysfunctional way the Prince of Darkness does love me; I can see that whatever happens life is full of possibilities and new adventures.

So if tomorrow isn't like today I am going to read this post and remember how strong a little optimism can make me feel.

Feeling naughty...

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I've got the devil in me today. I'm really enjoying myself. I am currently at the house of the Prince of Darkness (two dinner invites in one week - is the girlfriend away or on the wane?). I have a nice glass of chilled cabernet sauvignon by my side. The smell of dinner is making my mouth water.

And the reason I have the devil in me is that the Prince of Darkness is currently radiating curiosity from every pore in his body. Honestly, I can almost smell it. It's all most amusing. But to really enjoy it you have to realise the irony of this situation. He left me (for the crazy woman) (bitter moi?) after striking up an online (ahem) friendship. Too many brackets in one sentence?

I'm just waiting to see if he can invent an excuse to get behind me whilst I write this. "Scuse me love, just need to do my 9pm cleaning behind the sofa on a Friday night."

Hang on here we go....hold on....

There that's scared him off. He's slunk off into the kitchen looking very disturbed.."she's writing a blog about cheese...?" He can't stand cheese. It's his garlic and crucifix if you will.



So my evil work here is done. The devil can rest easy for the next few days.



Muhahahaha.

Know a good therapist?

After due consideration (all of about two seconds) I accept the invite to dinner from the Prince of Darkness. He cooked a delicious curry (although I swear I thought I saw him put Branston Pickle in it) and we talked and we laughed and we generally had a great time. Like I've said before I am not really sure where this is going. We have both been through periods where one of us has wanted to make a go of things and the other has knocked them back. Right now I am willing to try but he is the uncertain one.

My critical (rational?) voice in my head says "what the feck are you doing? Just end it. Move on. You don't need him. You have made a life without him. He left you. He could do it again. Get thee to a therapist....you have issues." But my heart answers with "what if I just hang on for a little longer and for the first time in two and a half years we both decide that we want the same thing at the same time?" What I do know is that right now when we see each other it feels like there is a chance for us. So I am going to see how this tangled mess that we have made unravels, for a little longer at least. What never ceases to amaze me is the capacity for two intelligent people, who profess to love each other, to invent new ways to stall, test and generally mess up their relationship.

In the meantime I think I might still need therapy. I may have some mothering issues as well as relationship issues. I took the eldest to the orthodontist today. She has, sadly for her, inherited her mother's rather random freestyle tooth arrangement. They had to take some pictures of her teeth. The final one involved her baring all her teeth and pulling her lips back. The dental nurse then stuck in what can only be described as "lip horns" (like a shoe horn but clear plastic and curved right over at the end). These were put on either side on of her mouth to pull the lips and face back even further. The results were astonishing. She was suddenly transformed from my beautiful girl to candidate for the lead roll in Resident Evil - Dawn of the Undead. My reaction was a violent fit of the giggles which despite/because of my best efforts to suppress ended up with me snorting and weeping in the corner of the room.

Is this a normal maternal reaction?

Note to self

I read a letter that Stephen Fry had written to his 16 year old self in the Guardian this week. I thought about the advice I would give myself knowing how things would unfold. Even with hindsight I am not sure I would change much.

"Dear me,

Boy are you in for a surprise. Let's just say that things don't turn out as planned but before you panic there is not that much you need to do differently.

I know that right now you are a lanky, slightly swotty, very uncool girl with hideous blue glasses longing for something else out of life but not sure what. Ditch the glasses asap - it's a cliche but it will make all the difference. Stick with the books though kid - you will soon escape "Smallgrimtown-upon-Slagheap" (as you now affectionately think of it) to the place that you will know immediately is your spiritual home.

Don't worry if the first wedding doesn't go as planned. You get a chance to put the mistakes right at wedding no. 2. The two marriages thing might come as a bit of a surprise but you will understand when you get here. And listen up - it all works out with Husband No 1 after you split up. You will both become the best of friends and he will agree that you did the best thing by leaving. So don't carry the guilt of leaving around with you for so long.

It's tempting to say avoid Husband No. 2 (he whom you will come to know as the Prince of Darkness) like the plague but actually you will have some of the best times of your life with him and you won't want to miss out on them.

And the following are very, very important:

1. Don't have that perm in your first year at university. It will look dreadful and do something very odd to your scalp.


2. Spend more time with your father - he isn't going to be around for ever.


3. All that stuff about high factor suncream is right - use it so that you don't end up with sun damaged skin.


4. When your parents give you a car after you pass your driving test try not to crash it the second time you take it out. Its going to knock your confidence behind the wheel for years otherwise.

If all of this sounds a bit scary you need to remember that even if you change nothing you will be ok and you are in for a hell of a ride.

With love,

Your Older Self"

Sure can pick 'em

The husbands are both lovely. Of course not both are current - that would be WRONG! Number one (defintely ex, father of eldest) rang me up at work yesterday. He had finished reading the book I bought him for his birthday whilst standing in a queue at a coffee shop at the park. He told me he had tears in his eyes. I told him to shut up or I would start crying at work. (The Gargole by Andrew Davidson, a wildly imaginative story of redemptive love, one of my favourite books so far this year).

Number two (technically current, father of youngest and also known as the Prince of Darkness) tells me that he has a present for me when I drop youngest off at his house for the weekend. It involves a short drive and me not asking questions. We arrive at a playing field and then after a short walk to the most beautiful wood, hidden from view, filled with a sea of bluebells pierced by shafts of late evening sunlight. What a gift. I did start crying.

A Short History Lesson

Once upon a time a long long time ago I met a lovely kind man. We bought a castle (well a small terraced house), got married and had a beautiful daughter. A couple of years after the birth of our daughter I met someone or should I say Someone. Love at first sight. Eyes across a crowded room. You name the cliche - it probably applies. I left the lovely man to make a new life with Someone. Lots of pain and heartache ensued because of our decision to be together but also intense joy and happiness. We got married and had our own daughter and lived happily ever after.

That last bits not true of course. In a fitting mirror of the story I started Someone left me for someone else. Quite out of the blue. Quite unexpected. Quite a knife through the heart. By which process he transformed himself from Someone into the Prince of Darkness.

That was two and a half years ago and we have gone through the usual gamut of break up emotions since then. And yet "the thing" between us is still there. We can't quite give up on what we had and we can't quite risk a future together. An intolerable limbo.

Introductions - a family party

The Prince of Darkness came for tea on Sunday. So did the rest of his family. To clarify the Prince and I share a daughter and it was said daughters family get together for her birthday. I like his family. This might be because I am quite short of my own family; only one parent left and no brothers and sisters. His family are quite odd like most families are. Grandma is so obstinate and opinionated that it is not worth arguing with her when she insists that the electricity has been turned down because of the credit crunch whilst Grandpa is seemingly mild mannered and gentle but has been known to agree with extreme views expressed by radical muslim clerics. There was an assortment of aunts and uncles and cousins , half and step children and sisters of brothers in law which make up the modern family. Well at least they do in my world.

And of course Wife Number 1 of the Prince of Darkness. As it happens Wife Number 1 and I are firm friends, an arrangment which the Prince probably found convenient when I was Wife Number 2 but is certainly less so now that he no longer resides in the bosom of either family. Sometimes I almost feel a twinge of pity for him.

The party went well although my attempt at a cake was a touch soggy in the middle. The birthday girl was suitably impressed by the addition of another Barbie to her collection and a complete set of High School Musical DVD's. After the teapot was drained and the last sausage roll was squished into the carpet the guests drifted off.

The Prince of Darkness was the last to leave. He kissed me on the cheek and thanked me for a lovely party. I do, of course, still love him. Damn inconvenient.